Nov 1. I realized how much I like making myself happy !!
I am somehow conditioned to deny myself of pleasure, and therein lies a big problem! A great realization point from reflection yesterday….
Pleasure is not a problem, the denial part is. Denial actually generates obsession- a blockage to our creative nature.
I thought of pleasure as wanting and I denied myself of it because I judged wanting pleasure to be wrong. I had narrowed my mind to being purposeful. This righteousness caused an imbalance.
In my pursuit of my better self, I realized that living purposefully functions not for pleasure but for fulfillment. If depression is a lack of pleasure and anxiety a lack of fulfillment, you see then, pleasure becomes for me, a necessity… it is important to express the want of pleasure so I can use it to balance out my need for purpose.
In other words, I had this imbalance of believing that attaining purpose will make me free and at ease. And half of that is true – it will make me free but not at ease. I feel this intuitively because I have tried myself for a long while.
(Conversely, there are people who have less practice with purposefulness and more with making pleasure, in which they will find more ease but somehow feel trapped and unfulfilled.)
Desiring to be sufferless helps me set intention to be purposeful.
Desiring to have ease helps me find focus for joyousness.
What I’d really like is to enjoy myself on this journey of creating myself. What I am looking for is the grace and honest allure that a balance of pleasure seeking and purpose pursuing gives.
I know it’s not a matter of worthiness or deserving-ness. It is doing my time in this life… working, making, feeling…riding along with nature…and finally returning home to nature…
… to have an appetite for joyful pleasure and not be devoured the resentment of pain,
… to and fulfill the inner void with a sense of resolve and override the fear of suffering …
cease to fuel expectation, judgement, denial, shame …
and begin to sprout….bloom… then blossom and conquer, settle and protect… and finally… to truly prosper in our purpose – creation.
It was never about us doing something wrong, but rather us not doing something about the feeling of wrongness, which is not a bad thing, just an intelligent indicator of something internally that is not in balance.
The key is to transmute pleasure from an untamed desire into a tool of necessity at our command. There is absolutely no need for control or force. Accept and allow for organic growth.
Pleasure, as is purposefulness, along with every invented human idea (such as… time, story, or love), are but conditional tools we can become aware of and use for the unconditional expression of our infinite intelligence and eternal consciousness.
I suppose when I say pleasure, I really mean the state of joyousness. It is the source of my cheerfulness. And when I say fulfillment.. I mean the feeling of purposefulness…. finally…I think happiness comes of mastering the feelings of joyousness and fulfillment!
